Molly Breckman
"Women Be Shopping!" Following Trump Victory: Coat Hanger Sales Up 500%
Women everywhere are returning to the closet following President-elect Donald Trump’s once-in-a-lifetime triumph. Coat hangers have reported the highest sales numbers since the spree of the Coat Rack Killer. But why?
“Retail therapy is a hard-wired female coping mechanism,” explains my father while the waitress waits patiently for his order. I shoot the waitress an apologetic look but she rebuffs it; she knows I am more him than her. My father orders ribeye—“I want it well-done”—and waves her off to another table. “Don’t get me wrong, if I was a woman, I would buy stuff. The whole concept goes back to caveman times when you guys needed it to survive.”
Thomas Hanger, heir to the coat hanger fortune and current CEO of the family company, has another theory. “People just love our product! All day, every day, all I’m doing is talking about coat hangers. I think this is true for a lot of people!”
Hanger gives me a guided tour through the coat hanger factory. The walls are lined with history: the coat hanger that held Queen Elizabeth's wedding dress, the coat hanger that gave his great-grandfather the idea for coats, a gun that could’ve killed Hitler.
The real head-scratcher is why coat hanger sales are outpacing clothing sales. Retail store workers report wading through roes and roes of piles of loose clothes.
“You can only outlaw safe abortions.” Says feminist buzzkill, Evan Breckman, who has no idea that we’re talking about clothing hangers. No one likes a party pooper. Even their “hero” Susan secretly wanted to B Anthony.