Evan Breckman and Luca Riggs

Big Tobacco Announces Minor Layoffs: Peter

Hey man, I hope this article finds you well. We know you’ve been working hard, but times are tough because we just got the most money in the world ever, and more money = more problems. There is no bank big enough to hold the amount of money we have. So we’re using your office as a place for the money. You can work from home, but at a different job. If I remember correctly, you like sports. So you can become an athlete!

We’re also firing you because I hate you. When we went out for drinks after I did my one-man haunted house for you, you told me I could cut the first 30 minutes of the show and the plot wouldn’t be affected. However, the plot would be affected because the prologue is integral to my father’s story, it sets up his character arc perfectly.

Let's talk about the severance package: it’s two tickets to… Disney on Ice… courtside? What? Dude that’s awesome. Oh shit. Hey, if you don’t have someone to take, I have a two-man Olaf costume that would look hard as hell with you on the bottom. I’ve actually been to Disney on Ice before, so I can point out when the scary parts will be. Yeah, I got free tickets because my son got a make-a-wish, he wanted to go to Mecca, but I basically lied to the make-a-wish guys and told them my son wanted “one ticket for Disney on Ice, just for my dad” and they bought it. He got better which is great for me because if he gets sick again… hello! New tickets!

P.S. You’re fired. Sorry! We’re gonna need your badge and gun in my office by the end of the day. Also, are you single? I just got a new sweater and it feels like boyfriend material. I understand if now’s not the time, just email me when it is.

P.S. What are you wearing?

P.S. You up?

P.S. Have you seen The Office?

P.S. We’re like Jim and Pam. You’re Pam.