https://big-tobacco-advertising.com/about daily 0.75 2025-09-24 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/66f1a3cd669f81571129ee5f/f7f99952-7d33-46dd-aeb2-d229c00741ce/IMG_4013.jpg https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/66f1a3cd669f81571129ee5f/0a224291-49b2-4841-86de-1f5b802242dc/IMG_8391.jpeg https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/66f1a3cd669f81571129ee5f/3d82e2a1-b197-49ef-a525-02ef0ffbfa86/pexels-ivan-samkov-7671165.jpg https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5ec321c2af33de48734cc929/1618511387030-5LI1E5QMVTQ2RY9S00A4/20140228_Trade+151_0046+1.jpg Articles https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5ec321c2af33de48734cc929/1618511440608-5BVMHVN4WR2I9YQV1WWR/Aro+Ha_0010+1.jpg Articles https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5ec321c2af33de48734cc929/1618511467879-K5J9BYNACHJVDV3BNSFU/Aro+Ha_0387+1.jpg Articles https://big-tobacco-advertising.com/home daily 1.0 2024-11-19 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/66f1a3cd669f81571129ee5f/5543612c-ae40-46de-8a83-7e020b5ba065/IMG_4013.jpg https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/66f1a3cd669f81571129ee5f/078d8e72-cccb-44c4-98cd-90228f519e27/pexels-ivan-samkov-7671165.jpg https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/66f1a3cd669f81571129ee5f/6271d460-67bd-4510-acde-eab64c6402ba/IMG_8391.jpeg https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/66f1a3cd669f81571129ee5f/093ee5c6-a87d-4674-9ce7-63af8ccbd8f9/IMG_1393.jpeg https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/66f1a3cd669f81571129ee5f/7ac5913a-b60c-4066-bcb2-3c85d8b66650/Evansphoto.jpeg https://big-tobacco-advertising.com/new-page daily 0.75 2024-11-19 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/66f1a3cd669f81571129ee5f/3a755bfa-200d-4e36-a17a-df30f531b332/IMG_8391.jpeg Line Leader Assassinated In Little Tikes Car Bomb The universe is often tough, but always fair. We learned this today when nine-year-old Watson “Watsone” Quincy was blown into one million smithereens. Watsone was among the most prominent players in Ms. Lime’s fourth-grade class, an impressive feat considering that class also has Dylan and Oaklynn J. Watsone’s fate was cruelly chosen one cold Hump Day morning. As tradition, Ms. Lime chose the next week's line leader by picking a name randomly out of her missing kids' baseball cap (☹ ← the kid looks like this. If you find him, or someone close enough, call this number: 911). The cap was only big enough to fit two names, so it was between Watsone and Ms. Lime, who entered her name in an effort to feel joy again. But joy was once again stolen from her grasp, as Watsone was selected to lead the class, in line. Watsone comes from a long line of line leaders. He had five days from the time he was chosen until he had to start Monday morning. During that time period he was given no homework and had to take a vow of silence. That is all we know because he later died from a car bomb. His classmates report that he was vicious as line leader. He often led the class to places he was not authorized to visit. His classmate, Oaklynn J., recalls visiting a closed GameStop instead of morning meeting, and later returning at lunch just in case it opened. “He kept saying ‘my Dad used to work here’. Grow up.” Said Ms. Lime. Neighbors reported hearing the sound of a car bomb Tuesday morning during their Tuesday morning “Hear-a-thon.” The tragic death is shrouded by mystery. Watsone woke up early to play in his Little Tikes Car before the bus picked him up. He liked to pretend he was a taxi driver who was mad about Uber and Lyft. What a mind! However, this morning was unlike any other morning, due to the unforeseen addition of the car bomb. Watsone was likely blown up by the official Car Bomb by Little Tikes. Little Tikes marketed this new toy as a way for developing minds to learn colors. Blue wires with blue wires, shit like that. The main suspect at the moment is the Zodiac killer because of his history of killing people. Watsone leaves behind a bright future and leaderness line, aimless in this world we call life. https://big-tobacco-advertising.com/new-page-1 daily 0.75 2025-09-24 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/66f1a3cd669f81571129ee5f/dcc64089-53e6-46b0-9205-d8632805ede5/pexels-ivan-samkov-7671165.jpg “Women Be Shopping!” Following Trump Victory: Coat Hanger Sales Up 500% Women everywhere are returning to the closet following President-elect Donald Trump’s once-in-a-lifetime triumph. Coat hangers have reported the highest sales numbers since the spree of the Coat Rack Killer. But why? “Retail therapy is a hard-wired female coping mechanism,” explains my father while the waitress waits patiently for his order. I shoot the waitress an apologetic look but she rebuffs it; she knows I am more him than her. My father orders ribeye—“I want it well-done”—and waves her off to another table. “Don’t get me wrong, if I was a woman, I would buy stuff. The whole concept goes back to caveman times when you guys needed it to survive.” Thomas Hanger, heir to the coat hanger fortune and current CEO of the family company, has another theory. “People just love our product! All day, every day, all I’m doing is talking about coat hangers. I think this is true for a lot of people!” Hanger gives me a guided tour through the coat hanger factory. The walls are lined with history: the coat hanger that held Queen Elizabeth's wedding dress, the coat hanger that gave his great-grandfather the idea for coats, a gun that could’ve killed Hitler. The real head-scratcher is why coat hanger sales are outpacing clothing sales. Retail store workers report wading through roes and roes of piles of loose clothes. “You can only outlaw safe abortions.” Says feminist buzzkill, Evan Breckman, who has no idea that we’re talking about clothing hangers. No one likes a party pooper. Even their feminist “hero” Susan secretly wanted to B Anthony. https://big-tobacco-advertising.com/new-page-1-1 daily 0.75 2024-11-18 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/66f1a3cd669f81571129ee5f/237308d4-3de8-4c90-9578-ac840cd0507b/IMG_4013.jpg Big Tobacco Announces Minor Layoffs: Peter Hey man, I hope this article finds you well. We know you’ve been working hard, but times are tough because we just got the most money in the world ever, and more money = more problems. There is no bank big enough to hold the amount of money we have. So we’re using your office as a place for the money. You can work from home, but at a different job. If I remember correctly, you like sports. So you can become an athlete! We’re also firing you because I hate you. When we went out for drinks after I did my one-man haunted house for you, you told me I could cut the first 30 minutes of the show and the plot wouldn’t be affected. However, the plot would be affected because the prologue is integral to my father’s story, it sets up his character arc perfectly. Let's talk about the severance package: it’s two tickets to… Disney on Ice… courtside? What? Dude that’s awesome. Oh shit. Hey, if you don’t have someone to take, I have a two-man Olaf costume that would look hard as hell with you on the bottom. I’ve actually been to Disney on Ice before, so I can point out when the scary parts will be. Yeah, I got free tickets because my son got a make-a-wish, he wanted to go to Mecca, but I basically lied to the make-a-wish guys and told them my son wanted “one ticket for Disney on Ice, just for my dad” and they bought it. He got better which is great for me because if he gets sick again… hello! New tickets! P.S. You’re fired. Sorry! We’re gonna need your badge and gun in my office by the end of the day. Also, are you single? I just got a new sweater and it feels like boyfriend material. I understand if now’s not the time, just email me when it is. P.S. What are you wearing? P.S. You up? P.S. Have you seen The Office? P.S. We’re like Jim and Pam. 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